WARNING: LONG ENTRY

Recently i talked to the man sabotaging my score at bookworm, bout my fucked up LD relationship with my so-called-boyfriend. To tell u d truth, I don’t even know whether he still think of me as his girlfriend or not.. *insert sad face*, considering:
1. He doesn’t call (or even sms) on regular basis.
Well I know it’ll only cost him extra expenses and he’s living an already hard life there without me make a fuss about things like this. But sometimes it kinda makes me feel like I’m the only one making this huge effort to keep us together. Sick.

2. He no longer use our nick name.. He called me with my childhood name, Ani, like everyone else in my family.
I know, I know, its sounds ridiculous. But it means a lot to me. My face dropped every time he called me Ani. Feels like we’re no longer together. *again, sad face*

3. He said he’ll always care for me, no matter what, but right now he doesn’t and still couldn’t love me as much as he did months ago.

4. Well the number 3 pretty much explains everything, doesn’t it??

5. Oh and he no longer return my “I LOVE YOU”s. Not even the standard “I MISS YOU”s. He stopped after saying “Take care, Ani..”

Wow. I’m fighting a losing battle here, am I? Wake up to reality, baby!!!

I’d drop him in a matter of second if he’s one of my old boyfriends whom I dated for no longer than two months.

But this is different. It’s him. He’s a very, very big part of my life. The reason that keeps me going is that I’ve faith in him, that the person that I loved for almost 4 years is a much better person than he is right now, that this whole situation has forced him to react like this. That someway he’ll make it thru this hard part of his life. And that he will finally find a way to love me again.

I am the queen of wishful thinking.

Here’s something taken from The Cure’s album. The lyrics really hits home.


He waits for her to understand
But she won't understand at all
She waits all night for him to call
But he won't call anymore
He waits to hear her say “Forgive”
But she just drops her pearl-black eyes
And prays to hear him say “I love you”
But he tells no more lies

He waits for her to sympathize
But she won't sympathize at all
She waits all night to feel his kiss
But always wakes alone
He waits to hear her say “Forget”
But she just hangs her head in pain
And prays to hear him say “No more,
I'll never leave again”

How did we get this far apart?
We used to be so close together
How did we get this far apart?
I thought this love would last forever

Hahaha *bitter laughter* … I couldn’t describe it better myself.

Bout the last two sentences, it wasn’t some cheesy lines teenagers used to write in their journals. I honestly thought we’d be together forever, considering we’ve been through so many things. Too many things, actually.. *me/ wincing*

AWW COME ONNNN PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!!! *slap in d face*

-- Hope I could come up with something better to write tomorrow, other than my pathetic love life.--